


1:54am (a series of events lead by all time low songs)

by gogh_away



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, this one is sad boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-21 00:18:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14272734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gogh_away/pseuds/gogh_away
Summary: evan hansen isn't sure he can do it anymore, than he might be able to.





	1:54am (a series of events lead by all time low songs)

**Author's Note:**

> not beta read and kinda bad because i wrote this weeks ago at 2 am when i was really sad. both of them are ooc and i haven't posted anything in 12 years sorry y'all.

_ 1:54am _

 

evan hansen left the house at 3 in the morning with a plan. he had his pills in the glove box and tears in his eyes as he drove down the street going 55. before he was gone he was going to stop at 7/11 one more time so he could try to get the feeling of what it was like when jared and him used to go there before movie marathons. 

 

he parked his car in the parking lot and got out, walking into the small convenience store. filling up a 32 ounce cup with blue raspberry slushie evan let out a loud sigh.

 

_ 30 minutes left. _

 

he walked to the counter and paid, telling the cashier to keep the change of his five dollars, he usually did that anyways. 

 

walking out and getting back in the car he locked the doors and turned the ignition enough just for the music to come on, but not for the engine to start. 

 

**_remembering sunday he falls to his knees._ **

 

evan smiled at the voice played and he leaned back. this was one of his favorite songs and he was sad he was never going to see it live. he wanted to see so many of their songs live. 

 

he drank his slushie and next thing he knew it was 2:30.

 

_ 4 minutes.  _

 

evan took out a piece of paper with a drawing on it. it was as oak tree with leaves made of stars and roots made of them sea, it was watercolor. he picked up the pen and signed his name at the bottom and put it on the back seat of the dark green ‘62 chevy impala. he leaned over to the glove box and pulled out the bottle.

 

_ 2 minutes. _

 

he knew that after he took the pills they would take at least 10 minutes to set in, so he was going to take them and then take a drive to ellison park. he stared at the bottle in front of him and knew it was what was best.

 

his had mom been so stressed lately because she was working so much and at this rate she would work herself to death. she worked so hard to be a good mom and the best person for herself at the same time and it was ruining her. without him around her life would be so much easier. 

 

evan and his only friend jared kleinman had talked a week ago and school was starting again in two days, they would be juniors. they talked about their friendship and jared admitted he only acted the way he did because he was insecure. evan admitted that he had considered ending his friendship with jared on multiple occasions because he thought jared hated him. even with this talk and their friendship at the beginning of being fixed evan couldn't do it anymore. 

 

the intrusive thoughts, the constant anxiety, the fact that he would never amount to anything was too much. 

 

_ 30 seconds. _

 

the blonde opened the bottle and sighed. when the clock on his watch hit 2:34 he would swallow his whole bottle of sleeping medication. it would be over, he wouldn't have to deal with anything anymore.

 

**_fuck the world ‘cause it's my life, i'm gonna take it back_ **

 

evan snorted, the irony of the song and what he was about to do was astounding. he looked at his was and gripped the bottle in the opposite hand.

 

_ 5 _

 

_ 4 _

 

_ 3 _

 

_ 2 _

 

_ - _

 

evans head shot up and he looked to the window in the passenger side and saw connor murphy looking back at him. he looked at the long haired boy, the lock and then the bottle. swallowing a bottle of pills in front of someone was a whole different level of fucked up that evan was not going to enter. he opted to unlock the door and let connor open it. 

 

evan grabbed the lid off his thigh and closed the bottle, setting it on the dash. “what's going on hansen?” the question was simple but evan could hear the undertones. 

 

“couldn't sleep so i decided to come get a slushie.”

 

connor hummed and popped his knuckles. there was a silent understanding between the two, connor knew what evan was about to do and evan knew that connor knew. 

 

connor took a drink of whatever he had got and held out the box of cheezits he had to the blonde. “want any?” evan shook his head and connor shrugged. 

 

“more for me.”

 

the silence between the two was heavy and the only thing that filled was the sound of drinking and muffled chewing. 

 

_ thank god connor murphy chews with his mouth closed.  _

 

“can we go for a drive?” connor asked. 

 

“sure, why not?” evan said, starting the engine and driving out of the parking lot. “any place in mind?” 

 

“no, let's just drive.” connor leaned over to turned up the volume of the stereo and rolled down his window, pulling his hair into a ponytail so it wouldn't blow in his face.

 

_ 2:56am _

 

the silence that had engulfed the two teenagers was stopped by connor turning down the stereo and looked over at evan. “what's up?” evan asked.

 

“i have two joints with me and i'm gonna smoke so you have two options. we can go back and you can drop me off or you can just let me smoke here.” evan sighed and turned on on his signal light and took the next left. “pick your poison hansen.”

 

evan pushes against the gas pedal and turns right, he doesn't bother slowing down. evan had almost killed himself almost 30 minutes ago and he's so stressed about everything. taking one more sharp right at 75 he slams the breaks and the car stops far too quickly and evan feels the back rise up slightly. evan looks over at connor and see the boy has wide eyes and is somewhat breathless. 

 

evan puts the car in park. “i'm want to smoke with you.” 

 

“are you sure about that hansen?” 

 

“most definitely, but i’ve never smoked before so i might need a little help.” evan knew that this could be a stupid idea but he didn't care anymore.

 

**_i wanna feel weightless and that should be enough._ **

 

“you didn't get this from me. my parents would kill me if they found out i'm ‘ruining lives’ or some bullshit like that.” connor said with an intense about of disgust in his voice. 

 

“i didn't even plan on telling anyone i decided to get high.”

 

“good.”

 

connor opened the door and got out so evan followed, sitting under the tree connor was under. he lit the joint and after a quick tutorial connor handed it to him and evans first hit wasn't pretty. he didn't cough but damn it burned his throat. 

 

“this usually helps me, it's just blue powerade and sprite mixed.” connor handed evan the drink he got at 7/11 and evan sighed. 

 

it took a few hits but evan finally caught on and was pretty decent at actually smoking and not wasting the shit connor got. 

 

the two sat in silence, slowly passing the joint back and forth. the were halfway through the second joint when evan fully comprehended what was happening.

 

_ he was doing drugs with connor murphy is the forest.  _

 

there was a nagging in the back of his brain that wanted him to be concerned but he couldn't bring himself to be. the cheezits that connor had started earlier were in between the two and almost gone now and evan was too tired to care about anything. the shorter of the two grabbed the box and the empty drink and went over to the car, opening the back seat and climbing in, moving the painting to the driver's seat. 

 

“what the fuck are you doing?” connor asked, glaring at evan. evan giggled and motioned for connor to join him.

 

“it's cold out there and i have a blanket.”

 

“why don't we just drive back?”

 

“because we're high and it's unsafe to drive. shut the hell up and get your ass in the back seat.” connor rolled his eyes at evan but listened anyways. he got in the back and shut the door. 

 

there wasn't enough room for them not to touch and evan took that as an invitation to put one of the three blankets against the door, push connor against it, open connors legs and lay pressed up against his chest. 

 

“damn, straight forward much.” connor said, wrapping his arms around evan and pulling one of the other blankets that had been pulled out from under the seats over evan and himself. 

 

“fuck you. no one ever wants to cuddle with me.” 

 

“hey i never said that.” 

 

evan held up his watch and clicked a button that turned on the small light in the watch. 

 

_ 3:45am  _

 

evan pulled connors arms off of him and reaches to the cup holders in the front and grabs his phone. he falls back against connor and sighs. “is it okay if i play music?” he asked. 

 

“if i said no would that currently stop you?” connor asked as he ran a hand through evans hair.

 

“probably not.” evan opened his phone and scrolled through a playlist of all of his all time low music. he clicked the first song he thought of and climbed shuffle. he turned off his phone and slipped it over the seat with the volume all the way up.

 

**_i don't believe in saints._ **

 

_ 5:26am _

 

the two of them had both fallen asleep. 

 

**_\-----_ **

 

_ 12:43pm  _

 

evan woke up with connors arms wrapped around him and alex gaskarth's voice as background noise. he sighed and unwrapped connors arms. 

 

last night wasn't his proudest moment but he sure as hell didn't regret it. evan looked at his phone and saw a text from his mom. 

 

I saw your note sweetie, have fun at your friends. Love you, xoxo.

 

evan managed a small smile and got out of the back seat. he stumbled at first and had to grab the door for stability. 

 

_ at least i didn't drive last night, _

 

_ but i did sleep in my binder.  _

 

he could feel a pain in his chest and knew he should get home and change into a sports bra. he looked back at connor who was still fast asleep and decided to let him sleep. he made sure they didn't leave anything on the ground and got in the front seat, moving the painting to the passenger seat.

 

the blue eyes boy plugged his phone into the aux cord and let it play from where it was.

 

**_we'll might south broadway in a matter of minutes_ **

 

south broadway and thames and the corner where the 7/11 is and where and all this started. when he started the car he looked down and saw his pills. he sighed and put them in the glove box and put the car in drive and started heading in the direction of town. 

 

_ 1:15pm  _

 

just as evan pulled the car into the driveway connor had woken up.

 

“i can take you home if you want.” evan said. connor looked confused for a second before remembering what lead him to where he was. 

 

connor opened his mouth like he was going to say something but stopped himself. the taller boy was silent for a few seconds. “nah i’ll walk. i need time to make up an excuse about why i was gone.”

 

“okay.”

 

“want me to give you my number? you'd be pretty nice to have as a friend hansen.”

 

evan was slowly coming out of the headspace of not giving a fuck that he got from last night and he nodded fastly. he started questioning why someone like connor would want to be friends with someone like him. 

 

the ink of the pen evan had handed to connor was smooth of his skin and soon enough there was a phone number with the name connor written under it. 

 

connor got out of the car and evan followed suit, his mind racing through all the possibilities of how he could fuck up becoming friends with connor. 

 

“you were cool last night hansen and you're pretty cute when you're cuddly.” evan blushed at connors comment. cuddling with someone right after your first official conversation with them wasn't a good idea. connor is going to get sick of him so fast. 

 

“n-no problem.” evan was starting to stutter and now he was going to make a fool of himself. too bad connor didn't stay long enough to see it happen. 

 

connor started walking away throwing a wave at evan. evan unlocked the door and quickly went inside, sliding down the door and bring his knees to his chest. 

 

all the events of last night hit him at full force, him almost killing himself, the drive, the smoking. and now all he had was all time low playing from him phone that had fallen of the ground next to him. 

 

**_take apart everything that's holding me down. make a point to pick a new direction, to make a new connection._ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
